You had a fight with your partner. For the second time in a week.
You curl up on the floor. Tears roll down your cheeks.
Alone. Misunderstood. Abandoned. Unloved.
You have done everything to love and to give. Why can’t he see it? Why can’t he understand it? Why does he keep inflicting pain on you?
You’re tired of suffering, and you want to heal.
I have four steps for you. They will walk you through the true meaning of a relationship, what you can learn from it, and how you can repair it.
They will give you a fresh perspective.
Step 1. Healing Your Relationship is All About You
All relationships are a mirror of you, reflecting your inner state of being. Whenever your partner pushes your buttons, there is something inside you to heal. Anger, jealousy, insecurity, unworthiness, etc.
By the Law of Attraction, your relationship cannot go sour without you carrying some disharmonious frequencies.
Your ego might be protesting. As usual, it hates to admit that what’s not working is your own making.
However, holding yourself accountable gives you the power to make amendments. You don’t have to drag your partner to a therapist. You don’t have to beg him to change. You alone can make it work again.
Step 2. Decipher the Meaning of a Relationship
A Mirror for Self-Awareness and a Catalyst for Growth
To heal your relationship, you need to discern their true meanings. A source of joy and pleasure, a relationship is also a mirror of you and catalyze for your growth. Nonetheless, if you’re not aware of the latter, your relationship can cause you a great deal of pain.
Let me explain.
We were born whole, capable of absorbing all emotions and other experiences in life. This wholeness is short-lived, however, as our caregivers and people around us soon started to teach us about “the good” and “the bad.”
They would say certain behaviors and emotions are appreciable, such as laughing, smiling, being happy and well-mannered, getting good grades, etc., and they reward us with love when we behaved “good.”
While others are less welcomed and acceptable, such as crying, showing anger, picking fights, feeling sad, etc. They wouldn’t hesitate to criticize and shame us when they caught us in these “bad” behaviors.
To survive, we learned to follow our parents’ rules and developed a strong need to be “good.” We embraced the aspects that our parents approved while suppressing the others that spell criticism and shame.
However, these negative aspects never go away but stay in the subconscious mind. They send out frequencies that draw to us people that will trigger the same feelings. The goal is for us to see ourselves through them so that we can integrate all aspects of us, whether they are positive or negative.
Our romantic partners tend to reinforce what we feel good about ourselves but also reveal to us the shadow sides that we have disowned. In fact, the insatiable attraction that we feel towards them is our soul’s yearning for being whole again.
Nevertheless, not seeing this growth aspect of a relationship spells drama and dysfunctions. When our partners trigger what we’ve suppressed and disowned, we see them as a threat, which eventually causes pain for both. How?
Step 3. Uncover Your Coping Mechanism—Deflection
To deflect is to change the direction of what comes towards you and get defensive, go on the attack, or ignore it. It is a typical reaction when your emotional buttons are pushed.
The moment your partner invokes the aspect of you that you have suppressed from childhood experiences, you feel discomfort and pain. You will do everything to push these feelings away because acknowledging them threatens your self-image of being “appropriate” You may deny having these feelings completely. Or you may point your fingers at your partner.
For instance, you grew up in a household where you couldn’t voice your opinions and making your own choices was considered selfish. You would then categorize the aspect that you wanted to have a say as unacceptable and suppress it so that you could live in harmony with others. As an adult, the chances are that you would always attract people who speak their mind freely to your life, including your romantic partner.
He might take it for granted that he chooses based on his needs and wants. However, because of your upbringing, this screams selfish to you, and it triggers your distress every time he does so. But instead of accepting the discomfort and questioning where it comes from, you blame your partner for being inconsiderate.
While you successfully preserve your self-concept of being appropriate, you hurt yourself and your partner. Not being able to see your inner struggle, he might feel misunderstood and unloved just as much as you do.
Reflect upon many of your dramas and fights, and you will know that many of them stem from your denial of your shadow aspects.
Step 4. Integrate the Shadow Self to Heal Your Relationship
When you feel pain in a relationship, a shadow aspect of you is calling out for attention. It wants to be integrated and go back where it belongs.
Owning what you have disowned is never easy, and confronting them invokes high doses of shame. But what you resist will persist. When you dodge something, you lend power to it and prolong its damage on you, which will only bring forth more drama and relationship dysfunctions.
Your soul wants you to be whole. That’s why it has plans for you to connect with the person who mirrors you and drives you to heal. Run through the pain and discomfort when your emotional buttons are triggered by your partner. Identify those feelings and ask yourself where they come from. Then use the method below to acknowledge them and welcome them back home.
(By Teal Sawn, the clip below gives a detailed illustration of how to deal with negative emotions and integrate them.)
As you work on integration, you will exert less and less judgment against yourself and your partner. The external reality being a reflection of your inner state, it will improve and your relationship will start to heal.
Relationships catalyze your growth. Healing a relationship is a never-ending process, through which you gain self-awareness and integrate what you have disowned. Be unconditionally loving towards yourself during the process, and you will garner a satisfying outcome.
What are your opinions on healing a romantic relationship?